Raise kids who will ask for help when they need it

From an article titled The best advice of 2017 in Business Insider …

Researcher and bestselling author Brene Brown advises parents to accept that they’ll inevitably make mistakes — and their kids will, too.

On an episode of Lewis Howes’ podcast, “The School of Greatness,” she said the best thing you can do as a parent is teach your kids that it’s OK to ask for help. Ultimately, it’s about encouraging your kids to let themselves be vulnerable — something Brown takes a lot of bravery.

Adopt 5 Healthy Habits, Live 12 to 14 Years Longer

From an article in the NY Times, Adopt 5 Healthy Habits, Live 12 to 14 Years Longer

Five behaviors could extend life expectancy at 50 by more than a decade, even without the discovery of a single new drug or medical treatment.

The study, in Circulation, looked at five behaviors:

  • eating a healthy diet
  • not smoking
  • getting regular physical activity
  • moderate alcohol consumption
  • maintaining a normal weight

The scientists calculated that, on average, a 50-year-old man who adopted all of these would live 12 years longer than a man who took on none. A woman with the same five habits would live an average of 14 more years than a woman with none of them.

Confidence and courage are both skills. They are not traits and they are not fixed. Instead, just like any skill, they can be built through practice.

BEST ADVICE TO THEIR YOUNGER SELVES from Mel Robbins expert on Leadership & Defeating Doubt, Award-Winning CNN Commentator, and Bestselling Author of The 5 Second Rule: Transform your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage.

Confidence and courage are both skills. They are not traits and they are not fixed. Instead, just like any skill, they can be built through practice. When I was younger, I struggled with self-doubt, a lack of confidence, and terrible anxiety. I didn’t realize that these things weren’t fixed. Once I understood that my level of confidence could be easily changed through daily acts of courage, my life really began to change. And that’s a second piece of advice to my younger self: take action, even if you’re afraid to fail/ When you fail, and you will, life has a funny way of working itself out.

“More than education, more than experience, more than training, a person’s level of resilience will determine who succeeds and who fails.

From an article in Harvard Business Review titled How Resilience Works

“More than education, more than experience, more than training, a person’s level of resilience will determine who succeeds and who fails. That’s true in the cancer ward, it’s true in the Olympics, and it’s true in the boardroom.”

If things have been a little rocky between you and your boss lately, there’s one thing that’s sure to help you begin smoothing things out: ask them for their guidance.

Article by Patrick Allan titled Repair Your Relationship With Your Boss by Asking for Their Advice …

Whatever happened between the two of you, seeking your boss’s counsel is a good starting point for getting both you on each other’s side. As Jean-François Manzoni, professor of management practice at INSEAD, explains to Harvard Business Review, asking for someone’s advice shows that you respect their judgment and intellect. It makes them invest in you and gives them the notion that you’re willing to fall in behind them. All in all, it’s a good way to improve their opinion of you, says Manzoni.

…You don’t want them to think you’re putting your problems or work on them. So use phrases like “I’m asking for your guidance” and “I need some help thinking things through,” so they know you’re still willing to do the actual work yourself. And, most importantly, once you ask for their advice, make sure you follow through on it.

“Think hard about who you marry. It’s the most important decision you will ever make. Devote yourself to your kids. Nothing else is guaranteed to make you happy”

This advice was taken from a graduation speech by David Brooks, journalist from the NY Times to the at Rice University graduation class …

“Over the years, we all pick up good advice. Spend a year abroad. It’s bound to change your life. Think hard about who you marry. It’s the most important decision you will ever make. Devote yourself to your kids. Nothing else is guaranteed to make you happy. The only thing I’d add is, create a posse of dead people. Create an entourage of heroes. Put their pictures on your wall, and keep them in your mind.

They will remind you of your place in the hidden river of wisdom. They’ll serve as models. They’ll give you an honest perspective on how you’re doing. They’ll remind you that your blessings don’t come from you but from those who came before you.”

Live off your parents as long as possible.

Guy Kawasaki is a Silicon Valley venture capitalist. He was one of the Apple employees originally responsible for marketing the Macintosh in 1984. Guy’s advice …

“Remember these ten things: if just one of them helps you, this speech will have been a success:

10. Live off your parents as long as possible.
9. Pursue joy, not happiness.
8. Challenge the known and embrace the unknown.
7. Learn to speak a foreign language, play a musical instrument, and play non-contact sports.
6. Continue to learn.
5. Learn to like yourself or change yourself until you can like yourself.
4. Don’t get married too soon.
3. Play to win and win to play.
2. Obey the absolutes.
1. Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone.”

Link to speech Guy has given six times at commencements, graduations and baccalaureates.

“Why Quitting Is Sometimes the Right Thing to Do”

From an article titled The Lost Art of Quitting …

We’ve been taught that quitting means failure.  But we neglect to add the very important caveat to that statement, which is that there are two types of quitting:  Quitting things that matter, and quitting things that don’t.  Because we’ve had it so drilled into our minds that quitting is bad, we don’t tend to make that distinction, and instead, don’t quit anything.  We persevere through the things that matter, as well as the things that don’t.  And we use a hell of a lot of energy in the process, all in the name of fear of failure.  After all, we wouldn’t want to be a quitter, would we?  It’s almost like being called a vulgar profanity.

We persevere to save face.  We persevere to avoid looking like a failure.  We persevere to prove ourselves to others.  We persevere so we don’t feel like all the time we spent up until that point was a waste.

And all of those reasons are bullshit reasons that are centered around pride.

The only reason we should ever persevere is when it matters.  And when does it matter?  When it contributes to your big picture goals.  Anything else is a waste of your time, and not quitting is extremely counterproductive.  In that case, quitting is the most intelligent move you could make.  It’s acknowledging that–hey–I can’t do everything.

The best advice I’ve ever been given is to cut all the negative people out my life, it makes you feel so much happier and independent.

From an article by Ashley Fern titled The Types Of People You Need To Cut Out Of Your Life In Order To Be Happy

Nothing changes until we do; we cannot expect the situations around us to alter if our personal behaviors do not change. You must take responsibility for your demeanor and if it means distancing yourself from negative people, then so be it. You need to look out for yourself because when it comes down to it all, you only have yourself to blame for your failures and your triumphs.

These are the types of people you need to be wary of in life:

The Negative

If this person was ever happy or in a good mood, chances are he or she was severely intoxicated. Negative Nancy is that person who literally has the mentality of that angry old neighbor who complains 24/7. These people never bring anything positive into conversation or any social gathering. They constantly complain about every little thing, yet cannot propose any better, alternate plan.

The Judge

This is perhaps one of the worst kinds of people you could ever surround yourself with. Instead of being free and comfortable to act like the real you, you need to monitor your behavior, as this person is closely watching your every move. What kind of friend is this anyway if you cannot even be yourself around him or her? It is one thing to offer advice on certain behaviors, but it is quite another never to feel truly comfortable around your friend.

The Taker

This person will take, take and take while bringing absolutely nothing of value to the relationship. It takes two sides to have a great friendship, so if you think you are the one doing all of the work, it may be time to reevaluate your situation. It can be exhausting, frustrating and just downright hurtful if you are always the one making the effort, but as soon as you need something, this person is nowhere in sight.

The Manipulator

These people will do whatever they possibly can to get whatever they want out of any given situation. They have one priority in life and that is themselves. Actively try to disengage yourself from their manipulation, as failing to do so will only fuel their fire. As soon as you stop responding, the better off you will be.

The Unsupportive One

A good friend is someone who will support you in all of your endeavors even if he or she does not agree with you. Life is about making mistakes and learning from them so even if your venture does fail, you take that lesson with you into the future. Recognize where you went wrong and what you could’ve done to prevent such an error. The next time you try, at least you know which ways to alter your behavior. Don’t waste your time surrounded by people who don’t want to see you succeed or tear down your hopes and dreams whenever they have the opportunity.

Want to be happier? Stay in the moment

Matt Killingsworth, Happiness researcher TED.com video titled Want to be happier? Stay in the moment …

“Among the surprising results: We’re often happiest when we’re lost in the moment. And the flip side: The more our mind wanders, the less happy we can be.

As it turns out, people are substantially less happy when their minds are wandering than when they’re not. Now you might look at this result and say, okay, sure, on average people are less happy when they’re mind-wandering, but surely when their minds are straying away from something that wasn’t very enjoyable to begin with, at least then mind-wandering should be doing something good for us. Nope. As it turns out, people are less happy when they’re mind-wandering no matter what they’re doing. For example, people don’t really like commuting to work very much. It’s one of their least enjoyable activities, and yet they are substantially happier when they’re focused only on their commute than when their mind is going off to something else. It’s amazing.”

Faking confidence is the key to becoming confident

Advice from Grace Killelea, author of the new book The Confidence Effect …

“Having confidence leads to other behaviors; like speaking up, raising your hand, taking risks, having a voice at the table,” she says.

“Faking it” doesn’t mean being inauthentic, but consciously practicing a skill until it becomes natural. “It’s like muscle memory. You have to practice, you have to get through the fear part of it, until it becomes a natural habit,” says Killelea.

 

It’s reckless, not virtuous, to blindly give people the benefit of the doubt.

From an article titled Benefit Of The Doubt (Dr. Phil)

“The world has changed, so the rules have to change right along with it…

There’s something we’ve been taught that just doesn’t hold anymore. What my parents taught me, what your parents taught you, just doesn’t work anymore; at least not like it once did… benefit of the doubt. We teach people that it’s a good thing to do, that it’s the Christian thing to do; it’s the positive thing to do to give our fellow man the benefit of the doubt. Why would you do that? Why would you give somebody you don’t know the benefit of the doubt? If we said “Ok, here’s what I want you to do… go out in your life and JUDGE everybody negatively” you’d go “I’m not going to do that”. Then WHY would you go out and judge them POSITIVELY?

How about we don’t do either?

How about we don’t give people the benefit of the doubt?

How about we just collect information and make an INFORMED decision in our lives instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt?”

The difference between where you are now and where you will be in five years time will be found in the quality of the books you’ve read.

From an article by Sue Sundstrom titled 9 Best Pieces of Life Advice I Have Ever Received

Why is it a good idea to read a lot? Well, for one thing, you become smarter! Books give us access to some of the greatest minds and ideas that ever lived – we can learn from great people that we wouldn’t otherwise have access to any other way than through their books.

In the words of Jim Rohn, ‘The difference between where you are now and where you will be in five years time will be found in the quality of the books you’ve read.’

If you have a great career and a bad marriage, you will be miserable. If you have a great marriage and a bad career you will be joyful.

This advice was taken from a graduation speech by David Brooks, journalist from the NY Times …

“You will confront this problem: Is this the person I want to marry?

This is the most important decision you will face in your life. If you have a great career and a bad marriage, you will be miserable. If you have a great marriage and a bad career you will be joyful.

I tell every college president I can that they should compel every student to major in marriage. Students should be compelled to take courses in the psychology of marriage, the literature of marriage, the neuroscience of marriage, the history of marriage.”

It is your responsibility to make your dreams come true

From a post titled Take Responsibility for Your Dreams written by Yvonne Kariba …

“Most people expect the things they desire to be handed to them without much effort on their part or have convinced themselves to believe the lie that promotes over-night success.

We have to stop waiting for people to make things happen for us or to point out and recognize our greatness so that we can feel more comfortable pursuing our dreams. We have to be willing to sail unchartered waters and walk the less traveled road at times as well as bet on ourselves if we are ever bring our dreams to pass no matter how fearful, unqualified or unprepared we might feel.”

Never argue with a stupid person, they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

From an article titled  28 of the best pieces of advice about life you’ll ever read.

5. “Never argue with a stupid person, they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” Mark twain
8. “You’d worry less about what people think about you if you knew how seldom they do.” David Foster Wallace

People are not mind readers. Tell them what you’re thinking.

From 18 Things I Wish Someone Told Me When I Was 18 …

People will never know how you feel unless you tell them. Your boss? Yeah, he doesn’t know you’re hoping for a promotion because you haven’t told him yet. That cute girl you haven’t talked to because you’re too shy? Yeah, you guessed it; she hasn’t given you the time of day simply because you haven’t given her the time of day either. In life, you have to communicate with others. And often, you have to open your vocal cords and speak the first words. You have to tell people what you’re thinking. It’s as simple as that.

When your child asks for a hug, don’t let go until they do. You don’t know how long they need that hug for.

article by Lisa Horten titled 50 of Our All-Time Favorite Pieces of Parenting Advice

7. I always strive to make our home a sanctuary for our family. Children need a place that they know will always be safe.

21. Every morning when you go in to get your child, let them see a smile on your face; it always helps start the day out right.

22. Be your child’s advocate; especially when they are younger, you are their voice.

Winning is fun, but it teaches you nothing. Failure is the best teacher in the world. Winning is a trophy, failing is an education.

From an article on Lifehack.org titled Winning is Fun, but it Teaches You Nothing ..

Winning is fun, but it teaches you nothing. Failure is the best teacher in the world. Winning is a trophy, failing is an education.

What does it mean to you to “fail better?” Better than someone else? Fail/fare a little better each time you try? Maybe it means to fail spectacularly! Go big or go home! Or how about failing but getting better along the way—getting better through failure—and learning something from the experience? I believe that is the key: to allow failure to be a springboard from which we succeed and grow.

Parent the child you have, not the one you wished for

I came across this quote in an interesting post Parent The Child You Have at http://warriormummy.wordpress.com. It reminded me of a few quotes from Dr Phil’s book Family First …

“One of my goals as a parent was to help my children achieve their own goals while pursuing their own passions.”

“Authenticity is fostered when you set goals suited to the youngster’s interests, abilities, and talents.”

“One of the great responsibilities you have as a parent – and one of the greatest gifts you can give your children – is to teach them to develop their gifts fully and to build their lives around whatever it is that fulfills them.”

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes.

The quote comes from Harvard psychologist William James. The advice below is from a post by Brian Knight titled The Power of Attitude

“Your attitude is one of the few things in life over which you have total control.  Harvard psychologist Williams James: “The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind.”   If you want to perform at your best, and if you want to maximize your happiness and fulfillment, then you must take control of the life-shaping power of your attitude.  Please understand: developing and sustaining a positive attitude is not merely a quick-fix motivational technique. It is a disciplined skill that must be practiced and learned.”

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear

Post by Lisa Dungate titled Courage is Not the Absence of Fear …

“As parents, sometimes we need to call in reinforcements, ask for help ourselves, and make friends with our own fears so we can be present, brave, and our child’s own personal hero or heroine.  As parents, we are the light that can shine when our child’s world seems dark, when the monsters under the bed give fright, and no one at school seems friendly.

I remind myself each day that having courage does not necessarily end worry or disappear fear.  Courage is the catalyst by which we move beyond fear and into faith.  We may not know exactly the right words to say when our child is sad or anxious or unhappy.  But, we can decide to push aside our petty worries and pernicious fears.  We can tell stories from our own life to offer comfort and perhaps even some inspiration.  We can hold their hand and just breathe together through the pain and confusion.”

Think Big. Start Small. Act Now.

From an article titled THE ALL-AROUND WISDOM OF “THINK BIG, START SMALL, ACT NOW”

“THINK BIG. START SMALL. ACT NOW.”

That statement has stuck with me.

It is a simple and logical idea, really. With whatever you want to achieve in life, you should aim high and remove any false ceilings. But you should also acknowledge that any path to “big” involves starting “small” — taking a series of steps to move you gradually closer to your end goal. And even those steps begin with some kind of action, so why wait to begin?

Evaluate Your Life Each Day with One Basic Question: Did Today Matter?

Article titled Evaluate Your Life Each Day with One Basic Question: Did Today Matter? from lifehacker.com

She suggests that you ask yourself if today mattered in the grand scheme of things, every day:

…when you ask yourself this question, chances are you’ll know the answer intuitively. Did today matter? If so, great. Do more things like it tomorrow. Can’t remember anything in particular that made a difference? Well, better change it up.

It’s deceptively simple, yet one of the most important things you can ask.

“If You’re the Best One in the Room, You’re in the Wrong Room”

Article titled If You’re the Best One in the Room, You’re in the Wrong Room by Eric Ravenscraft from LifeHacker.com …

It feels good to be the best. You get recognition, a sense of accomplishment, and hopefully compensation. If you’re the best person in the room, though, you’re probably not getting challenged anymore.

Being the worst person in the room gives you motivation to get better so you’re not on the bottom anymore. However, being the top of your class probably means it’s time to move on to another class. No matter where you are, as long as you’re not afraid to challenge yourself, you can continue to improve and make yourself more valuable to the room.

Be the person you needed when you were younger

From the site TISL Style

“Be the person you needed when you were younger” was one of the most thought-provoking ideas I’d ever come across.  It’s so obvious, so hopeful.  It’s beautiful if you think about it.

Trying to be more for others than you may have had yourself.  This isn’t easy because it requires the ability to be truthful with yourself; to be vulnerable and say, “Wow, I needed this in my life but didn’t get it.” And I’m referring more to fulfillment than material goods.  “Be the person you needed when you were younger” just speaks for itself.

There are going to be peaks and valleys. You don’t want to let kids quit during a valley.

Advice from research psychologist and MacArthur Foundation “genius” award winner Angela Duckworth in an article titled Grit Trumps Talent and IQ

“I believe kids should choose what they want to do, because it’s their life, but they have to choose something,” she says, “and they can’t quit in the middle unless there’s a really good reason.” There are going to be peaks and valleys. “You don’t want to let kids quit during a valley.”

“Always have something to look forward to”

From a post titled Looking Forward to Something

What’s the best way to get through rough times? Create something to look forward to in the future.

Although it sounds rather simple (and it really is) most people choose to look forward to something negative rather than positive.

When you have something positive to look forward to, you will increase your general happiness and gain more confidence over your present-day trials and tribulations.

Okay. So what are you going to do about it?

From a post titled Okay. So what are you going to do about it? by Sebastian Marshall …

Go to bed mad

From an article titled “15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years” by Lydia Netzer …

1. Go to bed mad.

The old maxim that you shouldn’t go to bed mad is stupid. Sometimes you need to just go to freakin’ bed. “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath” is prefaced in the Bible by the phrase “Be angry and sin not.” So, who’s to say it doesn’t mean “Stay angry, bitches. Don’t let the sun go down on that awesome fierce wrath of yours.” Seriously. Whoever interpreted this to mean that you should stay up after midnight, tear-stained and petulant, trying to iron out some kind of overtired and breathy accord — was stupid. Shut up, go to bed, let your husband get some sleep. In the morning, eat some pancakes. Everything will seem better, I swear.

14. Be loyal.

All the crap you read in magazines about honesty, sense of humor, communication, sensitivity, date nights, couples weekends, blah blah blah can be trumped by one word: loyalty. You and your spouse are a team of two. It is you against the world. No one else is allowed on the team, and no one else will ever understand the team’s rules. This is okay. The team is not adversarial, the team does not tear its members down, the team does not sabotage the team’s success. Teammates work constantly to help and better their teammates. Loyalty means you put the other person in your marriage first all the time, and you let them put you first. Loyalty means subverting your whims or desires of the moment to better meet your spouse’s whims or desires, with the full understanding and expectation that they will be doing the same. This is the heart of everything, and it is a tricky balance. Sometimes it sways one way and some the other. Sometimes he gets to be crazy, sometimes it’s your turn. Sometimes she’s in the spotlight, sometimes you. Ups and downs, ultimately, don’t matter because the team endures.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Conversation with Oprah Winfey an Maya Angelou from the web site MissMalini.com …

“When people show you who they are, why don’t you believe them? Why must you be shown 29 times before you can see who they really are?” So, when you see red flags in the beginning of a relationship – or anything, really – learn to pay attention to them. You may want to believe something else entirely, but some way or the other, people will always show you exactly who they are. You’re better off listening the first time, rather than waiting to be disappointed again and again and again before it sinks in.

People may not necessarily tell you in words who exactly they are – actually, chances are, they’ll tell you the opposite! – but their actions will always speak for them. When that happens, you’re better off listening and believing them rather than holding onto the (possibly deluded) hope that they’re not like that at all.

How To Make Your Kids Smarter: 10 Steps Backed By Science

Article from TIME magazine by Eric Barker titled How To Make Your Kids Smarter: 10 Steps Backed By Science

9) Peer Group Matters

So what does have an enormous affect on your children’s behavior? Their peer group.

We usually only talk about peer pressure when it’s a negative but more often than not, it’s a positive.

Living in a nice neighborhood, going to solid schools and making sure your children hang out with good kids can make a huge difference.

What’s the easiest way for a college student to improve their GPA? Pick a smart roommate.

  1. Music Lessons
  2. The Dumb Jock Is A Myth
  3. Don’t Read To Your Kids, Read With Them
  4. Sleep Deprivation Makes Kids Stupid
  5. IQ Isn’t Worth Much Without Self-Discipline
  6. Learning Is An Active Process
  7. Treats Can Be a Good Thing — At The Right Time
  8. Happy Kids = Successful Kids
  9. Peer Group Matters
  10. Believe In Them

You have to keep bosses minimally happy in order to stay employed, but never lose sight of your real goals.

Article written by Drake Baer in Fast Company ..

You will have implicit or explicit goals to be met. Machine learning engineer Michael O. Church urges us to transcend them.

“Prioritize long-term growth over short-term objectives delivered by managers,” he notes. “You have to keep bosses minimally happy in order to stay employed, but never lose sight of your real goals.”

The Simple Phrase that Increases Effort 40%

From New York Times bestselling author Daniel Coyle’s Talent Code Blog

“To their surprise, researchers discovered that there was one particular type of teacher feedback that improved student effort and performance so much that they deemed it “magical.” Students who received this feedback chose to revise their paper far more often that students who did not (a 40 percent increase among white students; 320 percent boost among black students) and improved their performance significantly. (See the study here.)

What was the magical feedback?

Just one phrase:

I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them.

That’s it. Just 19 words. But they’re powerful because they are not really feedback. They’re a signal that creates something more powerful: a sense of belonging and connection.

Looking closer, the phrase contains several distinct signals:

1) You are part of this group.
2) This group is special; we have higher standards here.
3) I believe you can reach those standards.”

Losing Is Good for You

By Ashley Merryman, the co-author of the book “Top Dog: The Science of Winning and Losing,” and author of a recent NY Times Opinion piece “Losing is Good For You

“In life, “you’re going to lose more often than you win, even if you’re good at something,” Ms. Twenge told me. “You’ve got to get used to that to keep going.”

“our job should not be to spin those losses into decorated victories. Instead, our job is to help kids overcome setbacks, to help them see that progress over time is more important than a particular win or loss”

Don’t worry about things we’ve already lost

From an article by Belle Beth Cooper in Fast Company titled 8 SUBCONSCIOUS MISTAKES OUR BRAINS MAKE EVERY DAY–AND HOW TO AVOID THEM …

“The term sunk cost refers to any cost (not just monetary, but also time and effort) that has been paid already and cannot be recovered. So it’s a payment of time or money that’s gone forever, basically.”

“The reason we can’t ignore the cost, even though it’s already been paid, is that we are wired to feel loss far more strongly than gain.”

For instance, if you buy a movie ticket only to realize the movie is terrible, you could either:

A) stay and watch the movie, to “get your money’s worth” since you’ve already paid for the ticket (sunk-cost fallacy)

or

B) leave the cinema and use that time to do something you’ll actually enjoy.

The thing to remember is this: You can’t get that investment back. It’s gone. Don’t let it cloud your judgment in whatever decision you’re making in this moment–let it remain in the past.

“Consider what people think of you, but don’t be afraid of what people think of you.”

Anders Holm, Comedian, “Workaholics” commencement speech at the University of Wisconsin-Madison …

“To get what you want out of life, all you can really do is find out who you are, and do that.”

“Practice being curious, want to know things, ask questions.”

“Consider what people think of you, but don’t be afraid of what people think of you.”

Best Parenting Tip Ever

From New York Times bestselling author Daniel Coyle’s Talent Code Blog

For three decades, Miller and Brown made a habit of asking college-age athletes about the ways their parents had made a positive or negative impact. After several hundred interviews with a wide cross-section of kids, their informal survey had two insightful discoveries. Number one: what kids hate most, by an overwhelming margin, is the conversations during the ride home after the game. You know, that quiet, strained, slightly uncomfortable time when parents ask questions, give praise, offer critiques, and generally get involved by saying things like:

Great job today. So what happened on that play?
What did your coach tell the team after the game?
Do you think the team could have hustled more?

These types of moments, Miller and Brown point out, are well intentioned, and often contain truth, but the timing is toxic. The moments after a game are not the time for judgement or pressure and definitely not for instruction (which is the job of the coach, not the parent). In fact, many of the kids said they preferred having grandparents attend games, because they are more joyful and less pressurizing than parents.

But it’s not all bad news. Because there’s a second finding to emerge from their work, and it might be the best parenting tip I’ve ever read.

The kids reported there was one phrase spoken by parents that brought them happiness. One simple sentence that made them feel joyful, confident, and fulfilled. Just six words.

I love to watch you play.

“If you want to play a game, go to where it’s played and find a way to get in. Things happen when you get in the game.”

The full quote from Chris Mathews speech to the 2006 graduating class of Fordham University …

“Today’s Rule One: Get Yourself In The Game!

Ever watch a little kid standing alone courtside while the big kids play basketball? When a ball goes out of bounds, he runs for it and passes it back in. And as time goes on, when an older kid has to get home for dinner, somebody yells, “Hey punk, wanna play?”

That’s the heart of it there: If you want to play a game, go to where it’s played and find a way to get in.

Things happen when you get in the game”

“brag about your spouse and let them overhear you”

New York Times columnist David Brooks chatting with Alec Baldwin on his show Here’s the Thing

“I am not smart on this but I did read a really good blog post on this. My wife would kill me if I started giving advice on how to do this. Marry someone really patient.

But I read this blog post and one of the pieces of advice was brag about your spouse and let them overhear you.”